


The Stars Are Holding You

by elenawrites



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Azkaban, M/M, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, it's sad in the beginning i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 14:17:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8105626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elenawrites/pseuds/elenawrites
Summary: Sirius misses Remus, in azkaban and out. Based off of the song Tonight by FM Static, suggested by Anonymous on tumblr.





	

Sirius was freezing.

Sirius was always freezing.

He’d lost count of how many nights he’d spent huddled on the ground, rags held as tight around him as they could go, bony knees pulled up to his chest and knocking into his chin as they shook.

He’d lost count of the nights altogether.

They’d all blurred together after the first few months, an eternal cold that wrapped around his body and settled in his bones and _just wouldn’t let go, goddamnit,_ go matter how hard Sirius tried to escape it.

And, oh, did he try.

Those first months he’d wanted to keep his memories of before intact. Untainted. Safe.

It hadn’t lasted long.

Sirius caved early on, recalling James’ laugh and the way he’d muss his hair when Lily was around as people shrieked around him. He thought of Lily’s smile and how she’d looked on her wedding day when storms rose out of the sea and waves crashed against the walls. He pictured baby Harry babbling happily when Sirius arrived at the Potter’s door, carrying in something new and exciting every visit. He remembered Remus-

Actually, he tried very hard _not_ to remember Remus. When he did, and it happened every month because of _the goddamn moon,_ the only thing that kept Sirius sane was knowing that Remus wasn’t here with him. He wasn’t in this freezing cell, trapped listening to the others’ screams, he didn’t feel like his soul was slowly sneaking out of his body day by day, he was _out_.

So looking up at the night sky was both painful and relieving. It reminded him of Remus, but it also reminded him that Remus was safer than he was right now, that he wasn’t trapped in the same position as Sirius.

He fell asleep on those nights holding onto that thought, hoping that Remus wasn’t plagued by memories as he was.

—

Unfortunately, Remus still remembered too much. 

Fourteen years had gone by since James and Lily had died, and the painful ache of their loss had rarely left Remus since. 

It had softened, though, when Sirius returned. 

They’d danced around their feelings for awhile, Remus not knowing how to reach out when Sirius’ stare went blank or his hands began to shake, but they’d managed, finally.

Remus was living in a guest room of Grimmauld Place, helping Sirius adjust and working for the Order out of the house. He’d climbed into bed one night exhausted and frustrated at himself for not understanding what Sirius was going through when his door creaked open and a figure appeared in the frame.

“D’you mind if I…?”

Remus sat up in bed. “Sirius! No, not at all, just…” He gestured at the room, and Sirius crept in, shutting the door quietly behind him.

“Wanted to tell you something,” Sirius mumbled, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Remus took a breath, nodding and shifting over to give Sirius more room. “Go ahead.”

Sirius’ eyes flitted between Remus’ and the bed, his mouth open slightly but struggling to push the words out.

“It’s alright,” Remus said softly, wishing he could do more to help.

Sirius looked up and kept his eyes on Remus this time. He twisted the bedsheet in his hands, and Remus was about to offer more encouragement when Sirius spoke. 

“I missed you.”

His voice was very quiet, and Remus’ eyes softened and while Sirius’ darted back to his hands. “I still do, sometimes, even though you’re _here,_ and I’m _here,_ and it’s so _stupid-”_

Remus felt like he was going to choke trying to get his words out fast enough. “That’s not stupid, Sirius, _it’s not._ I promise.”

Sirius looked up again. “You’re sure?”

“Definitely.”

Sirius nodded to himself and began to slip under the covers, surprising Remus. He hadn’t been particularly physical since he’d come back, and Remus hadn’t wanted to push any boundaries, but now-

Sirius stopped abruptly. “Shit. Shit, I’m sorry, I’ll just-”

Remus hurriedly made more room, pulling the covers back himself. “No, please, stay. I want you to stay.”

Sirius was quiet for a moment, then resumed getting into the bed. “Alright.”

They both laid on their sides for a moment, facing each other and not saying a word. Remus could feel Sirius taking in their closeness, the rise and fall of his chest, the crook of his neck.

“Remus?”

“Hmm?”

Sirius took a deep breath. “Could I… get closer, a little bit?”

The hesitancy in his voice shot through Remus, suddenly making him want to toss his arm around Sirius and hold him forever, breathing in the scent of his hair and finally getting a piece of himself back after so long.

“Of course,” Remus said with a weak grin. “Of course you can.”

Sirius smiled back with a hint of sadness that hadn’t been there _before,_ and then his head was resting under Remus’ chin and his breath was on Remus’ skin and Remus was holding his waist and it was almost as if none of it had happened. This could’ve been any night at school after Sirius’ mother had sent a particularly nasty letter, with their bodies pressed together, comforting one another.

Remus could barely believe it.

And then Sirius was speaking again, just whispers that Remus strained to catch even though they were so close: _“I missed you, I missed you, I missed you so much.”_

If Remus’ heart hadn’t already broken in the past fourteen years, it definitely did then.

He smoothed a hand over the back of Sirius’ head, shaking slightly. “I know. I know, it’s alright. I missed you too.”

Sirius spoke a little louder now. “I’d look up, and I’d see the stars, and the moon, and I’d think about- _god-_ I’d be so glad you weren’t in there with me, Remus, that you were out here-”

His words broke off and his body began to tremble, and Remus just held on, stroking Sirius’ hair and murmuring,  _“it’s alright, it’s alright.”_

And maybe, in that moment, that wasn’t exactly true. Maybe it wasn’t alright, and maybe it wouldn’t be for a while, but Remus knew that in time, it would be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is always appreciated!


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